Whispers of the Soul
by StarsMagic
Summary: I tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying. My life is just full of empty promises and broken dreams. Harsh realities and cruel people. As my anger cools down I feel emptiness where it once sat. I need that feeling there, the fill the hole within my soul. I can't laugh anymore, I can't cry. I can't do anything but wonder why. Cat-Centric


_**Prologue **_

_**Gone **_

_Cat's Point of View _

Tears have come and tears have gone, my emotional torment still lives on. I didn't want to admit it. It was easier to lie. Hide the hurt and emptiness, to smile instead of cry. I don't know if I'm getting better, or just use to the pain. But behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh I'm falling apart. If you look closely at me, you'll see I'm just not the girl I seem to be. I wake up and think dreams are real. I sleep so that I don't have to feel. Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand. No matter what, no matter who, no matter what I do, someone, somewhere, hates me. It's getting colder and darkness consumes me. Depression is slowly creeping up. No one knows what it's like, to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside, trying to kill the pain on the inside. I've been weak and I've been strong. I've been right and I've been wrong. I've been through the fire and I've been through the rain, it's always the same. Trying to do what's right, when I know I do it wrong. Trying to please everyone, just trying to belong. Trying to figure out why God chose me, to suffer through this pain. Did I do something wrong? Or was I just never meant to belong? Just be happy for me when my life is gone. Because when there's no more suffering and no more hate, when there's no more hurt and no more tears, there will be no more pain and no more fears. No more people trying to bring me down. No more gossip when I'm not around. No more people to point out my faults and there are no more people to call me names. No more people pretending to understand. So, please, just smile for me when I'm gone.

Tears leave my eyes as I traced the dark blue circle around my eye. I see my blood all over your hands. Does it make you feel more like a man? Was it all just part of your plan? All your patience turns to furry. And all I can do is worry. I am a doll for play. Or do the words you say mean nothing? I am nothing to you, to anyone. I call out at night, searching for help that never arrives. I feel myself slipping once again, I know what's to come now, and I've been here before. Loneliness and despair, am I all alone in this battle? You leave me on the floor, shouting dirty names, just like before. Thoughts cloud my mind. Do I really want to be here? Do you really love me? Do I want your love?

Its dinner time and they are worried. They haven't seen me eat in weeks. I smile and say I had a big breakfast, they smile and believe me. I look towards the tempting food before hearing my father's harsh cruel words ringing in my ears. He is right. I am fat. I am stupid. I am a no one. I serve no purpose. I am ugly. I move past the food, taking a breath to clam myself. I look to my stomach, is it working? Am I skinny? Am I pretty? Is somebody finally going to want me?

I don't need a reason to kill myself. I need a reason not to. I would love to believe, why do I hesitant? I would love to feel, only not this way. I would love to fit in, so why does no one accept me? I would love to understand, so why don't I? A piece is missing from me. I look everywhere, but I cannot find it. For what I am looking for is myself. It took me this long to realize I didn't lose it, I never had it.

I tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying. Please, someone, give me a reason to keep on believing that not everything is misleading. Do it quickly, because I'm one tear from crying, and just a few breaths from dying. My life is just full of empty promises and broken dreams. Harsh realities and cruel people. The pain in my mind is getting hard to hide, and the pain in my soul is getting hard to fight. I fall through the cracks of reality and into a world of emptiness and mere floating around. A small white pill takes my deepest despair, hurt, pain, and loneliness away. Peaceful and calm. When the effects wear off a cold and cruel truth hits me. I fall to the ground. Deeply sobbing. The pain is back and harsher then before because now, I know what I'm missing. I stick two more in my mouth, swallowing them whole, allowing myself to be carried away be the currents of glee and happiness. I hear colors and see beautiful music. I feel my worries vanishing, my self confidence rising, just as the shadowy hands of pain and desire pull me back in to the hell of a world I live in.

My friends look at me with worry clearly painted on their features. They don't get it. No one does. They don't know how hard it is too pretend. They think they know me, how can they know me if I don't even know myself? I giggle absent mindedly, trying them not to worry. The look at me, and for a brief moment I wonder if they're going to see right through me. If this is the end, is that what I want? Why can't it tell them? Why can't I explain to them what happened? I remind myself, they won't understand. They'd smile and nod, saying they'll help. How can they help if they don't understand? The moment is over, and I realize I will never be rescued. They can't see through my lies. They can't see who I really am. I'm going to smile, and make them think I'm happy. I'm going to laugh, so they don't see me cry. Even if it kills me, I'm going to smile.

Sitting in my bedroom at dawn, I look at the shiny blade in my hand. The faded slits that decorate my wrist just help me get through this. I raise the blade to my wrist, angling it just right, with a swift motion of my wrist, crimson red rushes out of the fresh wound. I breathe deeply, taking in the smell of the dark liquid. I feel the stinging and pain start almost immediately and I sigh in relief. My escape has worked, I am content. I feel normal and complete. I feel like I belong and have silenced the longing in my soul. The feeling doesn't last long, and soon I raise the blade again and again and again.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore; I don't know what I want to see. I could go on with my life and act like everything is okay, but as my life continues, the pain hurts more in everywhere. Sometimes the pains just too strong and life gets too hard to care. I sit there and cry every second wanting to die. I start to think about who would care, if they woke up one day and I wasn't there. I smiled bitterly and that's all I have left. I have so much to say, yet I bottle it all inside. If you look past my broken eyes to a shadow no one can see, you'll realize just how lonely I feel. I pick up the pistol lying down in the safe. I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm only afraid of hearing my best friends crying. When all seems lost and you have nowhere to go, no one to run to, you just give up. I look at in the mirror and my reflection surprises me. It's not the girl that my friends see, it's plainly and truthfully me. I hold the gun to my head and give one last little pray. I screw up every little thing I do. I was just born to lose.

**AN: I had originally posted this and then deleted it because I felt it needed to be edited. I do not own anything. **


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